Love the one you're with

Merry Christmas! Now that I'm stuffed like a pig and sitting down from the day's festivities, I've had a chance to boot up and write -- something I've not done in awhile.

I was shocked this after noon when I came to the front door of my parents' house to find my dad sobbing, literally, standing in the doorway. He hugged me so hard, and said "Merry Christmas, I love you so much." Chris, my husband, I think summed it up best that dad is now out of the woods physically, but emotionally, it's like it's all caught up with him. He talked about how sorry he is for taking my mom and the people he loves most in the world for granted, how much he appreciates every one. He told Shane, my brother-in-law, to always respect and cherish Colleen, my sister, and he sobbed while talking to my nieces, Courtney and Kristen, about how they turned into such beautiful young girls.

What a transformation! This is no longer the stoic "keep a stiff upper lip" dad I've known all my life. I have to admit, at first it caught me off guard.

But then over dinner, he hardly touched his food, and stared with a far away look in his eyes, as though he was looking through us, through the room even, into some far away place only inhabited by his own mind. I have no idea what he was thinking, but later my mom cleared it up: she said he thinks this will be his last Christmas -- that he's not going to live much longer!

This has my mom very upset. He sleeps all the time, barely eats, is distant and emotional all at once.

I don't know how to react to my dad right now. I feel kinda guilty for that. It's hard when you swap roles, when your parents become dependent on you instead of the other way around. It's overwhelming and sad and strange.

At the end of the evening, we all filed in to say good bye to dad in his bedroom, where he was lying on his side, dozing. Each of us, one by one, said good bye and gave him a kiss. Elise, my two year old, started crying and said, "papaw is sick." And then I teared up. And then my mom. But dad had that far away look in his eyes, like he was looking at us, but not seeing us. Looking through us into some place he'd visited recently. I'd give anything to know what he is thinking.

Tonight, I lived in the moment. I enjoyed my kids, my parents, my family. I laughed. I remembered to love the ones I'm with. Life is tenuous, pitifully short and sad. Enjoy the happy times, even when it rains on Christmas day.

Merry Christmas.