At this moment, I cannot imagine having my body back again. It feels so decrepit and old, withered and spent. I cannot imagine walking ¼ mile, much less racing dogs up and down hilly, snowy terrain.
Today, I waited. I waited for food to come, and promptly gagged when it did. I waited for sleep to come and didn’t want to wake up. I’m waiting to live again.
Spent a long time crying again today. My kidneys continue to dysfunction. I thought about the other day when my breathing crashed. Vulnerable, in huge amounts of pain, a big man came to place electrodes all over my body for an EKG, flopping private parts of my body this way and that. And there was nothing I could do but lay there, prone.
Modern medicine renders us helpless.
How do you move forward when something this unexpected happens, with 9 dogs and two kids at home to care for? I’m terrified of the thought of going home. But if these kidneys don’t turn around real soon, I won’t be going home tomorrow – or anytime soon.