Tuesday, November 13, 2007

how would I know that this could be my fate?

Tonight, I sat outside with the dogs. All of them gathered around me in the grass in the cool evening as the dew settled. Newt nuzzled me, scooting her slender head into my arms, along my legs, nipping at my sweatshirt like a pup looking for a teat. They were all tongues and tail wags, and though I came in dirty and visibly covered in fur, this is what makes me happy, helps me recover from long days at work filled with bureaucracy and bull shit.
I am so disappointed in so many things right now, disappointed in people, the corporate world of healthcare I've somehow found my way into, but mostly I am disappointed in myself.

I brought Newt and Brie home with the best intentions. And I feel now like I've let them down. I think Brie is pregnant from Jack. She has vomited twice just this evening, and once last night. I came home Friday to find Brie had gotten out of the kennel crate I've been keeping her in since she's been in heat. She and Jack were "tied" in the backyard, Chris asleep on the couch inside. Poor little Brie was screaming as Jack tried to withdraw and run away, a guilty look on his face.

Why can't I learn to not be so hard-headed? Although, the accidental mating wasn't my fault, I still feel like the most irresponsible person on the face of the planet. I came in so angry with Chris for his negligence, I could have spit nails; we ended up getting in one of the worst fights of our marriage about this situation.

Why can't I stay on track? How can it be that I have such good intentions for pursuing this dream, and I keep steering myself into these messes? I am so ashamed.

We were supposed to return Brie and Newt to the Caldwell's in Carp Lake this weekend, but now I don't know what we're going to do. And I'm afraid my reputation will be shot before runners even see snow this winter.

Maybe it's not the right time for me to pursue this dream, even though I've waited almost 10 years for it. I've been spinning my wheels: trying to find a way to keep my job; trying to find a way to "fix" this dog problem.

But like the dogs, things are simple. I need to stop complicating them. We'll either have a bunch of husky pups sometime around January 11, or I'll take Brie in for a spay.

As for the job, well, it's time to move on.

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